Caught Between the Tides
There are moments when the world feels suspended, like the tide when it’s somewhere between high and low. This story is about a moment like that. Because, although it spanned five days, in the greater scheme of things, it is but a moment.
Tuesday, 5 August
I left home at 8 in the morning and drove to fetch Cam from King Shaka. She’d decided last minute to fly down for five days to be with me over Gav’s birthday on the 7th – our first one without him. For nearly two weeks leading up to it, I was a wreck: no focus, no mojo, stuck in a fog of dread. I put everything on pause while I waited for this wave to pass.
On the way back, we stopped at the Shelly Centre. We popped into Woolies to buy goodies for a sunset picnic on the beach, and, on a whim, got matching piercings in the tops of our left earlobes. Because, why not? Haha!
Pulling up the driveway at home, I drove extra slow so Cam could take in the new improvements around the house. Bubble, confused by the slow pace, somehow got his foot under the car’s wheel. His howl pierced the air. Cam jumped out to help him. It was their first meeting, and in the chaos, Bubble bit Cam badly enough to break the skin on her thumb. Suddenly, what was supposed to be a warm welcome was a chaos of blood and shock (and some choice swearwords).
Bubble seemed okay, but Cam needed a tetanus shot. So off to the doctor we went.
After the dog and doctor drama, Cam and I finally got home well after 2 pm, still with work to do. We got our laptops out and got cracking. Alas, the sunset waits for no one, so we paused our work, packed our picnic, loaded the grandparents, and headed to Ski Boat Beach.
For a few hours, we had the chance just to breathe. The sun set behind us. The moon rose over the sea ahead of us. We watched spellbound as the moonlight glinted over the waves. We lit sparklers just because they pretty. It was a wonderfully welcome reset.
Back home, Cam and I buried ourselves in our laptops again till almost midnight. Whew. What a day.
Wednesday, 6 August
The day before Gav’s birthday, and ironically, the weather is just as bleak as I feel. Cold, overcast, drizzly. The sky, a miserable mirror of my mood. I’m not feeling great. Everything feels raw again, emotions heavy. Leaden inside. Decision-making, not possible.
Thankfully, ‘past’ me thought ahead. Before I even knew Cam was coming to stay, I’d made plans to help ‘present’ me cope better over this time. I’d arranged to stay with my friend Corlien on Wednesday and Thursday nights. And I’d planned some activities for Gav’s day. My thinking was simply, “What would I have done for Gav this year?” And I built on that.
But before heading to Corlien’s, Cam and I had to grind through another day of work. At 4, we finally called it quits, packed some clothes, snacks, and wine, and set off.
I’m extremely blessed to have a friend like Corlien. She’s an occupational therapist, but also exceptionally creative. Our Wednesday night was spent eating curry, sipping wine, and doing art therapy. We each drew what we felt at that moment in our lives. Then we named our drawings, making those feelings real, and asked them a dozen questions to truly understand where we stand.
My page of current emotions told me it was “My Heart.” It was quite empty. There was a patch of grey, scribbly arrows depicting my grief; a flare of yellow stars illustrating moments of joy and excitement; a straight green line representing the continuity my garden brings; a small orange heart for the home improvement projects; and a red image that screamed “broken.” After reflecting on the prompts, I added a white clock smack in the middle of the page, because, as it turns out, nothing can fix what I’m feeling except time.
By the end of the activity, Corlien, Cam, and I decided on a plan for the next evening. After the birthday activities, we’d create vision boards answering the question: “What can I do to save my day, every day?”
Thursday, 7 August – Gav’s Birthday
My phone rang before my alarm went off. The first activity planned for Gav’s day was a whale-watching boat ride from Shelly Beach Ski Boat Club, but the launch time depended on the tide and weather. The weather was on our side – the sun was shining and it wasn’t windy. The reason for the early morning call: the 7:30 am launch was delayed until 10 because the almost-full moon was causing low, low tides, and there wasn’t enough water for the boat to get out.
I updated everyone I’d invited, then went back to sleep; no need to be awake so early anymore. But not long after, the WhatsApp messages started flooding in. Everyone was thinking of me, sending love. Some messages brought tears. Gav’s death felt unreal. Again. Still.
I didn’t want the day to be sombre. Yes, I was aching, but this first birthday without him was to be a celebration. A day I could eventually look back on with good memories, not just sad ones.
Cam, Corlien, and I left her place just before half past nine. We picked up my dad (my mom wasn’t keen on the boat ride), then my friend Jax, and finally headed to Shelly Beach Ski Boat Club. There, we met Anneke, Carol, and Stef. Eight of us in total.
John, our skipper, told us we’d launch once the tide had turned enough to allow us to get out to sea. At around 10:30, when the water was high enough, a tractor guided the rubber duck down the ramp onto the beach sand. The assistants turned the boat toward the water, and we all climbed in.
We waited for a wave to lift the boat, then the beach crew pushed us into the water with a long pole. John started the engines and headed toward the waves. We bobbed, waiting for a break before he accelerated to get past the breakers. As he accelerated, a cheeky wave caught him by surprise, splashing those in the first two rows – including me! Water. Cold. Shock!
We rode around for nearly an hour before spotting whales. Cammi was the first to see them. By law, we can’t approach the whales. So, what our skipper did was try to get ahead of them, then switch off the engine, and let the whales pass. This pod of three or four was in a hurry, as if they were late for a meeting. But we still managed to see their backs as they swam past, and occasionally, a spray-filled exhale marked their progress.
Beyond the whales, the trip stirred something deep within my soul. Gav and I used to own a ski boat, and every summer we’d go camping and boating with the kids. Being on the boat, smelling 2-stroke fuel, feeling the wind in my wet hair, the sun on my face, wearing a life jacket, hearing the hull smack the waves, and, while idling, the water lapping against the side, transported me back. I closed my eyes and, for a few seconds, felt close to Gav again. That moment was more precious than the whales, and that’s saying something.
After about 15 minutes of following the whales, we turned back. They were heading too far north for us to keep up. Back in line with Shelly Beach, our skipper caught just the right wave, an incredible woohoo moment that carried us smoothly onto the beach.
Later, we dropped Jax and Dad at their homes, warmed up in the shower at Corlien’s, then collected Mom and Dad and headed to our Ski Boat Beach in Ramsgate for fish and chips at Hibiscus Café. The most fitting meal for celebrating Gav’s birthday, because we’d eaten there countless times before. To top it all, as we left, a dozen dolphins played in the breakers nearby. The perfect finish to a seaside lunch. And a beautiful opportunity for Cammi to see some dolphins that close.
Back at Corlien’s, we worked on our “Save the Day” vision boards until bedtime.
Heart full. Day full. Ready to rest.
Friday, 8 August
The day after always hits hard. And I always only remember it once the day is upon me. Just like after my birthday, after Christmas, after New Year’s, after Father’s Day. You see, I do all the prep for the big day. I gear myself up. Do the work. But then forget that the day after is lurking, ready to sneak up and drape a blanket of sadness over me.
We left Corlien’s around 8. Working girls must work. Oddly and thankfully, I was able to hyper-focus and actually tick a lot off my laptop list.
Because Wednesday’s beach evening had been so lovely, we decided to go back today. After all, it is full moon! We can’t miss that. At 4, we packed our picnic blanket and some wine and headed for Ramsgate Main Beach with Pop and Granny. We ordered takeaway pizzas from Blue Lagoon Restaurant. Once again, the sun set behind us as the moon rose over the sea. We sat, transfixed by the silver reflections on the waves. We spoke about how blessed and fortunate we are to live where we do and do what we do. Cammi echoed how lucky we are. They (many people, including Cammi and George) don’t have the opportunity or freedom to sit outside in a random public place and enjoy the full moon safely. Never mind a public place as beautiful as a beach! We sat until our bums were numb and the cool night air made us shiver.
Back home, Cam had to work some more. I was done. More than just done with work, done with being awake. Done with carrying the weight.
The beauty and the blessings did not escape me. I saw them. Felt them. Appreciated them. Was grateful for them.
But I’m also in pain.
Saturday, 9 August
I’m tired. So, so tired. But ‘past’ me committed to a decoupage lesson today. I got up, prepared the plate of eats we were to take along, and in a woolly-headed state, made my way with Cammi to Corlien’s studio. There, Anneka taught Corlien, Corinna, Cam, and me how to decoupage four square wooden blocks.
The picture I chose for myself was feathers. For Cam, I picked wooden hearts. When we got there, I asked Cam to make the feathers for me, and I made the hearts as a birthday present for a friend.
Now, I love decoupage! I think I might become one of those people who decoupage everything. So, be warned: if we’re friends, there’s a pretty good chance you’re going to get a decoupage gift of some sort.
As much as I enjoyed the activity and love the women I shared it with, when I think back, it’s a blur of greyness. Not only because of the shadow of grief, but because straight after that, I had to take Cam back to King Shaka so she could fly home. It’s never fun saying goodbye to my kids after a visit.
Just like that. From leaving home at 8 am on Tuesday to getting back at 6:30 pm on Saturday, Cammi’s visit was over. Five full days of dogs and tetanus shots, piercings, picnics, beach-time sunsets, sparklers, moonrises, creative activities, waves, whales, and work, all framing a day of celebration, grief, love, and remembrance.
